what the hell am i doing here?

Lately I've been contemplating why I chose the path that I chose. It doesn't seem to be working out. Well, that's not entirely true. If I hadn't decided to attend (the school that I am attending), I would have never moved to (the town that I'm living in), and I woul have never met my fiance. Maybe that was my whole purpose for coming here, to meet him. Maybe my destiny here has been fulfilled and it is now time to throw in the towel and quit.

Easier said than done. i have never quit anything like this before. I've quit jobs, and I've even withdrawn from classes before, but I've never just said "fuck it" to something of this scale before. Not to mention, quitting would be tantamount to admitting that I can't do this, and I don't know if I'm ready to admit that. I've never not been able to do something. I've never failed at anything that I tried. But, my heart just isn't in this. I thought that I'd enjoy it, but I'm not.

Not only am I not enjoying it, but I am making myself miserable about it. While trying to force myself to go to class this morning, I was physically ill with the thought that I'd actually have to sit through a 55 minute class. That isn't normal, and it isn't healthy. My body is telling me to give up. The mental anguish that I am putting myself through is manifesting in physical ailments. I'm pretty sure that's why I've felt as bad as I have been (that and my diet sucks).

I don't mean to sound like my life is unbearable and terrible, there are some very good aspects to it. The best thing I have going for me right now is my fiance. Now, I know what you're thinking, pathetic girl, can't survive without a man in her life...Well, that simply isn't true. I've never been one for relationships, and this one is the real deal. The thing about him that is most helpful to me at this time in my life, is the fact that he levels me out. I am high strung at a super high ultra level, and he is so mellow that he brings me down to a normal - high strung level. I think that if I didn't have such a stressful academic life, I would appear, for all intents and purposes, to funtion and operate as a normal person does.

I digress. The point is that without him in my life, I would probably have checked myself into a mental hospital. But this isn't about him, tis is about me and my insecurities and fears. So, aside from him, my family, and most of my friends, my life is crap. It is crap because I cannot make it work properly.

There are two main...fears, if you will, that I have about quitting school. First, I have already incurred an enourmous amount in student loans. At this point I am about $90,000 in the hole. If I were to start paying on them now, my monthly payments will be around $1,000. Yeah, I can't afford that. The whole reason that I didn't mind paying this much for school, was because I would have a degree..and therefore a job where I could afford such payments. I have already sunk so much money, and owe so much money, that I fear I'm gonna be stuck here until I'm done.

Second, quitting means admitting that can't do it. I have never had to do that before. To me, it would mean that I have failed at something that I shouldn't have. What a disappointment I would become. To me, to my family who have supported me since I decided to go this route, and also (although he will never admit it) to my fiance who I've been trying to plan my life with. This would mean that we'd have to start from scratch with all of our future planning. Quitting now would mean a complete career change, probably more education, in another area, and more debt because of it. I'd probably have to put off having a family because of it, and we'd both be miserable.

My family (again, they would never admit it) would also be hugely disappointed in me. I was always the one with the most potential, and now it seems wasted. How would anyone be able look up to me. How would they be able to talk about me without the added, "this is our daughter, she was going to school here, but she had to leave because she's an idiot and she can't handle it. Yes, yes, a complete disappointment, and we had such high hopes for her. She had such potential."

The disappointment that I would be to myself is the biggest (and I will admit that). It'll probably take years of therapy befor I am ready to grace the real world with presence. I could always become a housewife and take care of screaming children all day. Get fat and miserable, and always make it out to look like I do everything around the house, when nothing actually gets done. I had a turn at the whole housewife thing - not for me. I hate cleaning. I hate cooking. And I hate being idle all day. I would never come to terms with the fact that I had to quit, and I would be a miserable person to be around. Hell, at that point it would be better if I moved out of the country.

So, what are my options. I could quit. And the above analysis shows what a great idea that would be. I could finish. I am actually half way through, and the first part is the worst. But what then. Get a job potentially doing something that would make me miserable. What good would that do, I'd still be completly miserable. I could try another career path after getting this degree. That's all well and good, but the financial aspect of - how the fuck would I pay back the student loans - would come into play. Since this degree is much more specialized, it doens't translate well into other fields. My bachelors degree is worth crap, the only way it helps is that I actually have a bachelors degree, I can't do anything in that field with it. Although, I could go back into that field and get a Ph.D. But that is more time, more school, more student loans, more time before get to start a family...

So this is what goes through my head on a daily, somewhat hourly basis. Everytime I have to prepare for or go to class. Everytime I see someone on TV that is working in this profession. Evertime I hear the word school, or see a textbook. It is a constant feeling of doubt and misery. I've already proven to myself that I can at least pass my classes, but what then. What next. Once I get closer to graduating will I still have this sick, sinking feeling in my stomach. Will I cry everyday before I go to work. Will I have to litterally force myself to get even the smallest most minimal thing done.

I've never had to question anything on this large of a scale before. It is frightening and exhausting. And, quite frankly, I have no fucking clue what to do.